First issue of the Riddler comic

The Riddler: The phone is a midlight gaslight phenomenon... the phone is gas.. it transmits itself as gas.. they got rid of all the telephone poles.. because they grounded birds.. very considerate.. for the birds.. maybe the Penguin was behind getting rid of the telephone poles.. heh.. so, anyway.. as the daughter of Loki has once said, time is a gas.. telephone time.. abnormal.. like me.. no like the Joker i mean.. he's abnormal.. i'm dismally normal.. so.. dismal telephone time.. my time.. i am a waiter.. i .. wait.. for .. doctors?... for Felix Faust.. who hires waiters for doctors.. what? What?.. why are there waiters for doctors?... what? .. what?... what waiters for doctors?... haHAhahahHAHAH.. wait, i never talk like this .. i never talk like this.. waiters for doctors.. hahahHAHAHhhahah... ah, what else.. ricky ticky tembo.. supercalifragilisticexpleaialedocious.. hehehe kekekkek.... i can TALK...

Batman: you're the other man who is smarter than i am.. not just the penguin... you, pal..

The Riddler: oh, no.. no..

Batman: I mean it, we'll be great friends.. for intellectual reasons alone, if nothing else.. now that i realize how smart you are.. moral considerations don't apply.. i stopped being a moral man long ago.. long, long ago.. in the Adam West days.. those were the days, my friend.. ah, yess...

The Riddler: You flatter me too much, thou doth..

Batman: I doth all i darededonit.. so what did you say about Scott Turow..

The Riddler: He's in prison. He does that.

Batman: WHAT? He's in prison.. is that when he wrote.. i mean.. when limitations was written..

The Riddler: yes.. i am a grave man about such matters.. i spent a long too long time trying to get sent to prison myself just so i could reach him.. know the territory.. like he does..

Batman: I'm sorry, i just could not be party to that.. honestly, though, i wish i'd thought of that.. long ago.. oboy... it would've saved me a lot of grief.. the only time i went to prison was unintentionally, dammit..

The Riddler: I'm very, very sorry.. it as my call .. to keep you out..

Batman: It was? I honestly don't know these things.. Maybe it was the justice league that kept my head too far above water.. i needed to go into the marine depths of the underground.. get to know the flavours of crime.. never forget i wear a hood..

The Riddler: I'll never forget.. i wear a derby..

Batman: Ahahah.. splendid..

witwee mite Poison oison ivy: ScCCcccreeee... are you okay Riddler.. i think .. one of my duplicates.. in.. insulted you..

The Riddler: I was going through a lot of dostoevskian depths of depression i was so inside myself i barely heard what she said..

witwee Poison ivy: i'm glad.. I'm glad to hear it.. i mean, i'm sorry... i'm sad .. i'm sad.. the whole thing... is sad.. i mean.. i mean..

The riddler: I know.. i .. know.. it's not easy..

witwee Poison ivy: it's not easy – tee hee hee – being green..

The Riddler: it suits you..

witwee Poison ivy: i'm glad.. i'm so glad.. let's get a coffee..

The Riddler: sure there's a starbucks.. they make good coffee..

witwee poison ivy: they do .. they really do..

Inside the coffee shop.. poison ivy is sitting naked on the coffee table..

The Riddler: .. it's like .. every since i started the riddling.. it got so carried away.. it was never meant to be a crime wave..

The poison ivy: oboy.. i know the feeling.. i had the same problem with plants..

The riddler: it's just the way of a batman villain, isn't it..

the poison ivy: i sometimes wish it wasn't..

the riddler: it's just.. there's a movie quote with winona ryder about getting up on the wrong dial..

the poison ivy: .. getting off on the wrong dial.. oops.. tee hee hee..

the riddler: it's just.. the clock king might just know.. wait.. he's finally in our reality isn't he .. from another universe.. i met him.. i think..

the poison ivy: - seductively – i KNOW i met him.. met hin.. ah.. met him..

the riddler: i think i did too.. but memory is hazy with clocks which are the province of the clock king.. time memory clocks.. adjusting the margins of mental time..

the poison ivy: mind margins are my specialty.. tee hee hee..

the riddler: yess, i like that about you.. the mind thing is a good game with you.. you do it well.. handsomely i would say..

the poison ivy: awww, that's so sweet.. i love you..

the riddler: .. back atcha babe.. love you too...

naked poison ivy: are they clones .. DOUBLES.. just duplicates.. i call them plant-clones.. sometimes.. often.. but they aren't.. sniff.. clones of me.. i feel often.. i'm clone of them.. but i'm human.. i think.. and they're .. human too.. it's just.. they're so committed to being plants.. it scares me.. i don't know plants very well.. i always think i do but then.. i don't..

knock knock

naked poison ivy: oh god.. i hope it's the riddler... - answers door - yippee, riddles, how's it going..

riddler: awesome.. i'm sorry, i'm in a great rush to see you.. there's action in the hasting... they're coming..

naked poison ivy: WHO?

Riddler: The mafia. We've got to get out of here..

naked poison ivy: OH NO! Let's go! Quickly! - she rushes out -

Riddler in a car with her.. she's still naked..

riddler:.. the mafia is .. writing our very existance on the page.. i've been talking with psycho-pirate endlessly on how to.. elude them..

naked poison ivy: psycho-- how is he?.. i miss him.. the last time i saw him was when i was in arkham asylum with animal man.. hee hee.. animal man .. sniff.. we real close..

riddler: i know.. i know.. it's real important... i mean REALLY important.. your closeness with animal man... he talks to animals and thereby psycho pirate talks to pages..

naked poison ivy: boy pages?.. like Jason Todd?... oh GOD... no.. i know the Joker didn't didn't.. he told me.. he never understood.. he picked up a crowbar once and he said he had an epiliptic seizure.. i have those too.. often.. Jason.. he .. i ... met him.. but he was lots.. LOTS.. younger than the other Jason.. young as me..

riddler: - affectionately – no one is as young as you..

naked poison ivy: it's so nice of you to say.. topher.. is that your name .. topher..

riddler: topher... my name.. honestly .. i believe my name was once.. topher.. honesrly..

naked poison ivy: tee hee.. honesrrlly...

riddler: yeah, i dunno.. it's like i had a whole high school existance which precedes my memory..

naked poison ivy: i never went to high school.. i was too .. stupid..

riddler: oh god poison ivy... please, please don't say that..

naked poison ivy: it's TRUE.. and naked and true and .. stupid...

riddler: - long pause for a few panels - i once for a very very long time believed i was very very stupid..

naked poison ivy: but you you know math... you know calculus.. you know algebra..

riddler: but wait .. so do you.. i've seen you're math.. it's equivalent to the swamp things..

naked poison ivy: i just write gobbledy gook down and pretend it's math..

riddler: but that is.. that is how you do math.. when i read math i read gobbledy gook over and over and over again with repetitive readings.. it's just memory.. math is memory gobbledy gook.. memorizing gobbledy gook..

naked poison ivy: i'm a gook.. tee hee hee...

riddler: .. you're cute..

next issue by Neil Gaiman