"The Producers" script , the sequel to "The player"

Note from Batman: Batman honestly believes all cell-phones have a nanotechnological flesh-eating disease inside them, air-transmitable.

Flashback early scene from Hanno/Erik's late teenage years..

“The last time we met”, said the psychiatrist, “you talked about having troubling images of naked women that wouldn't go away.”

“Yeah”, said Erik/Hanno, “I guess that's still sort of a thing that hasn't gone away.”

“So, it's still something your struggling”, said the psychiatrist, “I just wanted to get some clarification. You were talking images of women you'd seen in movies, and how- you described seeing a naked woman in a movie as “rape” and I said that that wan't true.. and you- agreed. Do you still agree that it's not rape.”

“I guess so”, said Erik/Hanno, “I mean, I know it's not- it's just.. I'm not sure by what word to call it.”

“Well, I think, responding, being aroused by it is normal, but the fact that you can't get these images out of your mind, I'll.. agree that that is part of your obssesive-compulsive disorder. You mentioned that the worse you felt about it the more the images wouldn't go away.”

“Yeah, it's like, the guilt becomes something poisonous, as if guilt itself is an emotion of poisounous arousal, like it's something that just makes the images stick to your mind, because guilt is everlasting, and it makes the images everlasting.”

“You're able to describe it very well, which means you can have some objectivity about. Well, I understand still, guilt is a subjective emotion, and it's difficult to.. is there a way I can tell you that you have no reason to feel guilty.”

“Well, I mean, it's hard.. it's just like the first time I started feeling bad about it was when a celbrity, I forget his talking, was talking about naked in a movie, and how it just wasn't a natural to do. And I know he was a man saying this, but being male myself, I started thinking about the women who've been naked in movies but have felt it to be unnatural and uncomfortable.. and it's like.. it's hard to think of the guilt as being.. unjustiable.. even it makes the violation by me of these women even more extreme.. makes my memory of the image of them more vivid and real.”

“Well, I think it's... the images being so present in your mind so that they interfere with your ability to function.. you mentioned that focusing on schoolwork or reading brought on these images.. as if your attempt to focus on anything else.. anything productive.. brought on a kind of counter-attack by your obsessive-compulsive disorder. That's not uncommon among with OCD sufferers, that focusing any kind of productive activity elicits obsessive thoughts or images. Can you just say, when image comes in your mind that you don't want, “This is not me. This is a part of my mental disorder. It'll go away.”

“Yeah.. I guess”, said Erik/Hanno.

___________

Scene from Hanno and Claire's adult years

Claire Danes: We're doing “Robin of Loxley”?

Hanno Raudsepp: We're doing “Robin of Loxley”.

Claire Danes: Okay, I've got a lot of ideas. I'm going to be naked for the whole movie.

Hanno Raudsepp: Awesome. We'll be naked, both of us, together, in a lot of scenes, in a lot of idyllic forest nature scenes.

Claire: - her heart and face full of light - We will?! Oh, that's so romantic. We'll be naked together, wee. I'll be the naked victim of evil, appealing prankster women and you'll rescue me- I mean..

Hanno: I'll be naked when I rescue you.

Claire: Oh, that's so, so poetic. We're two naked adventurers. One thing, I want a lot of scenes where I'm naked and you're totally clothed when you're rescuing me to.

Hanno: We can do it.

Claire: I love you!

Producers walk in.

Claire: We're doing Robin of Loxley! Me and Hanno are going to be naked for the whole movie. I mean, I'll be naked for the whole movie and he'll be naked for most of the movie.

Producer: What, has Hanno acted before? I mean, I know about you and being naked.

Claire: He is a professional Shakespearian actor.

Hanno: Okay, Claire, so there are scenes of the forest, gigantic, labyrinthine trees which are light brown, vivid dusk lit caves in the forest. The whole forest, like out of one of Courbet's paintings, is a darkly vivid green labyrinth.

Claire: Oh.. my.. God.. This is going to be..

Hanno: There's a scene where we're walking through a forest tunnel and entering a realm of pixie spirits..

Claire: We're doing the mystical Robin Hood. - crying – I can't believe it. I can't believe it. We're bringing Robin of Loxley back. Wait, you should be in your elegant Robin Hood costume and I'll be totalling naked while you're leading me through the forest tunnel.

Hanno: Sure. It's almost pitch black in the forest tunnel, but we're vividly lit. An autumn leaf of dark, inky green lighting shines through the background of the tunnel as we're facing the screen.

Producers: So you're doing this movie. I don't get it. When you're naked together, is Hanno going to have an erection?

Claire: Well, yes.. of course..

Producer: What!!

Claire: I have erections too, like all women. It's just women's erections are really gross, whereas men's are attractive, the natural state for a man. But women have three sexual body parts instead of two to compensate.

Producers: What? What? You're insane, Claire, you're demented.

Claire: I'll be a demented naked woman in Robin Hood. The horrible clothed women do that to me.

Some more discussion.

Daniel Day Lewis storms into the room, yells at Claire.

Daniel Day Lewis: Are you out of your fucking mind!

Claire: What?

Daniel Day Lewis: What is wrong, what the hell is wrong with you, you stupid bitch! You are not making this movie. Hanno is a moral man and you are not going to bring him into your... I'm going to, I'm going lock you and every woman in a dark cellar and feed them on oysters!

Claire: Naked? I mean, I'll be naked when you lock me in a cupboard.

Daniel Day Lewis: Yes! You are not going to engage in you licentious shenani- your heinous cabooxinims... I'm going to talk to Hanno. I'm going to meet him immediately. He is going to be in the sequel to “The unbearable lightness of being”. He'll play my son. No, he'll be in the remake of “The unbearable lightness of being. Both the sequel and the remake. I'm going to introduce him to the pleasures of CMNF.

Claire: I like your language.

Daniel Day Lewis: Oh, you do, you little scamp, you.. you little heinous little.. little.. little.. I feel like I'm going through- like I've said every single word of this a million times.. like I'm just going through the motions.. I'm not finished yet.. I'm going to, I'm going to put you in a Dutch prison. What did I say? A Dutch prison. Where.. where..

Hanno: They said Rembrandt sent a girl, a young woman to a Dutch prison for five years, for no reason at all, they said..

Daniel: What- but how.. why would they say something like that.. how can this even happen?

Hanno: It was in a recent book of art history..

Daniel: A recent book? All these recent books of art history should be burned.. we should bring Nazi burning back.. I mean, they burnt artwork during the Nazi era.. oh no..

Hanno: They replaced all the real art work with pedophilia. Or what they did, they overlayed pedophilc content into the orignal art work.. they might have hobbit-ized some nake adults to make them look like kids..

Daniel: I can't.. I can't.. and then they say that Rembrandt..

Hanno: The cinematography of Batman (1989) was going to be based on Rembrandts painting. Tim Burton and Jim Jarmusch, they could do it.

Daniel: What? Yes, I mean, you've been wanting to make this movie for a long time.

Hanno: The first Batman was close to being a great movie. The second was even closer.

Daniel: They were, they were.. they simply never.. Rembrandt... Rembrandt cinematography.. and they say this about the most important.. one of the most important painters...

Hanno: There are no other paintings like Rembrandt.

Daniel: No, I mean, I'm sorry, there aren't.. there simply.. there aren't..

Hanno: You can play the Andre Malraux Joker in Batman (1989). The first Joker. The Bill Finger Joker. Jack Nicholson played the Baudelairian Joker. The Baudelaire Joker. The Joker who is Baudelaire. The Jerry Robinson Joker is also the Baudelaire Joker, just totally different from the Jack Nicholson Joker. The Jerry Robinson Joker is the Ralph Fiennes Joker, the Shakesperian Joker. I mean Tom McCamus is also a Shakespearian Joker, but Ralph Fiennes is a total Shakesperian Joker. Jack Nicholson's Baudelaire Joker is in a class of his own.

Daniel: I've never.. I've never thought so much.. so quickly in my existance.. I've never.. . my mind is just like bullets and blisters..

Hanno: I've been wanting to return to my Batman roots for a long time.

Daniel: Yes.. yes.. oh my goodness. That's all you want.. to return to your times as a teenager... and even as a teenager.. I mean especially as a teenager.. you could have already made these movies..

Hanno: I had a lot of awesome cinematography in mind for Robin of Loxley.

Claire: - crying – such beautiful cinematography..

Daniel: But, Claire, we have to understand...

Claire: - crying – maybe you're right, maybe you're right.. it's just, we were going to bring Robin of Loxley back.. and I never, never, never thought that would happen.. I was going to make a movie of Robin Hood.. and clothed women were going to tie me naked to a horse and send the horse running through all the villages for all the villagers to see.. to see my naked butt and everything..

Daniel Day Lewis: What.. I don't understand.. Why would?... oh, no... oh, no..

Claire: I had a massive, I mean, massive crush on the Guy of Gisbone.. he had this tremendous voice, just like Darth Vader.. and then I read the book of the TV series..

Daniel Day Lewis: There was a book.. and they protrayed Robin Hood..

Producer: I read the book. It was an abomination. It destroyed Robin Hood. Robin Hood rapes Guy of Gisbone.

Daniel Day Lewis: What? What? But Robin Hood doesn't do that. Robin Hood is a noble hero, he fights for the downtrodden.. why would they.. why would they.. there is nothing of Robin Hood in this heinous.. this monstrous book.. this is not the real Robin of Loxley.. it has no connection.. it simply isn't the man.. Hanno doesn't have to...

Claire: Hanno... but he wasn't.. only I was going to .. oh no..

Hanno: I was going to be Robin of Loxley and do a CFNM scene..

Claire: What? You can't, you can't... oh no, oh no..

Daniel Day Lewis: What? But you've been... Hanno.. you've been carrying this book around.. ever since you were a teenager... I know that's when you read it..

Claire: I just loved Robin Hood.

Hanno: She's read Ivanhoe. I haven't.

Claire: You had a reading impairment, I remember.

Daniel Day Lewis: But why does Hanno have to.. because some despicable individual wrote a book..

Claire: He already wrote a script for Robin of Huntingdon.. but he, but we, but we.. we wanted to bring Robin of Loxley back.. and then.. when he said Robin Hood and me would be naked together in a forest in from a river.. it just.. it just fixed everything... Robin of Loxley was good again...

Daniel Day Lewis: I understand.. I understand.. I just.. why do they do this to teenagers.. you both read this in a library right... Hanno, I'm going to sue the library in which you read this book.. the library can't do this... they have to moniter their books.. this book is a rape kit.. they have to moniter the content of all the books in the library.. they have to hire all the people who are necessary to do this..

\

Daniel: I'm an empathic actor.. an empathic actor.. I'm all heart, no brains..

Producer: You're no heart! No heart at all!

Daniel: That's me, Daniel NoHeart. Wait, that's a Care Bear's character, isn't it? Daniel NoHeart.

Hanno: It is. ... oh man, I just thought .. a Finnegan's Wake quote.. a blind stomach... Shem has a blind stomach.. the Care Bear stare.. the Care Bears stare with their stomachs.. they transmit a beam of light through their stomachs.. the stomach as a vessel of light.. the optics of stomachhood... I'm just thinking of the dark, grinding sensations of the stomach.. like industrial sensations... and the Care Bears feel light in their stomachs..

Daniel: That's just. That's just incredible..

Hanno: Nietszche said the soul was a stomach. That can be a Tenderheart bear quote.

Daniel: Yes, Tenderheart bear, he was their leader.

Hanno: Ewan MacGregor can play him.

Daniel: Yes!.. yes.. I'm going to direct this movie.. This is going to be my first movie.. the first movie I direct..

Hanno: Awesome. Harrison Ford can be Grumpy Bear.

Ewen Bremer: Witwee mite Ewen Bremer sort of wants to play Grumpy Bear.

Hanno: Wait, Ewen Bremer absolutely has to play Grumpy Bear.. how can we do this.. how can we do this ... okay.. wait.. Ewen Bremer is the Grumpy Bear of the comics..

Ewen Bremer: I am, yippeee.! I loved the comic..

Hanno:... and Harrison Ford can be the Grumpy Bear of the cartoon.. who didn't get as much focus.. We'll have parallel reality Care Bears... the Care Bears of the cartoons and their counterpart bears in the comics..

Daniel: Should it be CGI or .. no costumes.. definitely costumes.. they are a lot dwarves out of work.. we can hobbitize Ewen MacGregor, Harrison Ford and Ewen Bremer..

Hanno: How about this.. the comic book Care Bears are in costumes.. like ewoks... and the cartoon Care Bears are CGI..

Daniel: Yes!... yes, I can't believe it... My first movie! F-f-f-f-freeze...