black widow, baby

Natalya Olga Chaikheeva - Scarlett Johannson


Nataly Olga Chaikheeva - I am a weird woman.. so weird that they will never NEVER find me.. because I FIND them.. and they don't know.. they just.. don't .. I'm so weird.. what?  no..

Clark Gregson  Phil Coulson:  no it's over .. come with me

Natalya olga chaikheeva:  what no.. I don't think so..

Phil Coulson:  just come.. just.. com

Natalya olga chaikheeva:  I'm an actress.. layers, man, layers.. I build the vocals of a role on dismal vocal nonchalance.. I'm so weird.. pinter, man, pinter.. do nothing but pinter.. foundations.. vocal foundations.. all a day in the life of olga chaikheeva...

Phil Coulson:  this has to stop

Natalya okga chaikheeva: says you.. sniff

phil Coulson:  no wait don't cry .. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry..

natalja okga:  no I was only pretending.. haha

phil Coulson:  so was III .. hahahaha... I'm not DEAD..

natalja olgka:  WHAaAAaT.. you mean .. it WAS YOU?>...

phil Coulson:  hahaHAHAHAAahhahah

Natalya olkaga:  ahh, you're scaring me man..

phil Coulson:  hahahAHAHAhahha

natalyha olga chaikheeva: yooouuureee craaaaazzzyyyy

phil Coulson:  yeah yeh I'm a nut.. I caut loki's infection.. he's a virus.. a blood virus.. lots and lots of blood .. Maxwell lord blood.. no force field protecting me now.. guhshshblsafidaahahahhh.. hahah

natalja olga:  this is too weird I'm getting out of here.

phil Coulson: no your not.. your coming with- ahhsdafghgghhaaaa.. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

natalja okga:  wait wait

phil Coulson: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm not really like this..

Natalya olga: I know I know you're not..

phil Coulson: okay okay

she stabs him with a knife

Natalya olga - now it's personal..  I'm black widow..

she walks off

phil Coulson: - quietly, lying on the ground, almost a whisper - I've been dead before.. loki taught me..

Natalya olga chaikheeva black widow: shhsshhehsshshhshhhh



directed by joss whedon and JOhn Huston john Huston

Ultron senior: I will never doubt Black widow again..

Russian senator: Ultron, ultron, oh god, ultron, this is stockholm syndrome

Ultron: what, i don't even know what that is, there's no suh thing

Russian senator: Stockholm syndrome very clearly is when the kidnappee falls in love with her abudcoto- arrrgghhh

Ultron: what? Explain again

Russian senator: i'm not going to. ... bye..

next scene

teenage ultron, a younger, more spry, yoda like ultron: teeeenaaage waaasastlaaandd.. when the nigh

of summer is hereeee.. the leeks of summer.. the leeks of summer.. death death and more deeath.. brgghegbrrrrttbrrr... teeennaaage waaastelaaandd

natalya olga chaikheeva black widow: are you okay? .. are you okay?.. are you okay?... eveeeryyything iii dooo i doo forrr youuu...

teenage ultron: heyy , bryan adams i like it..

natalya olga chaikheeeeva black widow: crying- weeping – so do i so do i

teenage ultron: he's my age isn't he.. tteeeeenaaaage uuultrrrooonnn..

natalya olga chaikheeva black widow: haahahahaha

teenage ultron: let's talk, juorst talk juorst talk.. i think my senior time travel older self is coming soon.. time travel is so passe it's blase now i think.. the beyonders fault i think.. he's a tesseract.. a tesseract a wrinkle in time..

black widow: i like him i really like him.. he told me his real name.

Teenage ultron: Klaw right Klaw..

black widow: you KNW KNOW?

Teenage ultron: he told me cutting doesn't hurt when your made of solidified sound.. like all sonar time travel.. that's how i know..

black widow: your so smar so smart.. smores smart.. i eat smars smore s marshmellows.. because they have a poison sweet tastaaaastteeee. Sweee- crying wailing like only a woman who believes in horror horor can wail -swwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.... .

teenage ultron: my god are you okay my god are you okay

black widow: the beyonder i NEED the beyonder.. no no I'm sorry i' sor sorry.. i ne d I NEED you.. ned need ned .. eeeveerryyybodooody bodo boody witch loooves neeeed flllaaaandeeers..

teenagae ultron: hahahah a heeheehheee

black widow: heeeheeheeh ehehheeheheee

black widow's mother on the telephone, almost in tears: don't do that it's malicious..

black widow: it's my ernie laugh.. you don't like it..

black widow's mother: i don't know.. i just don't..

black widow: heehehehee

teenage ultron: hey sorry mon but lay off the black..

black widow mother: i'm sorry i'm so sorry

teenage ultron: hey no problem mon..

female news anchor:  ultron himself... Robert de niro and scarlett johannson have gotten MARRIED??!!



 written by a fan








Tony Stark:  Loki is shield.  I just found out.. Oh God oh god oh god

Nick Fury:  I'm calling him.  we need the big guns.. Thor.. no

Tony Stark: not thro not thor not thor .. he's mean.. too mean

nick fury: what?  he's not.. I though

Tony Stark:  he's psychotic..

nick fury:  I thought.. we all were

Tony Stark:  i'll call loki.. i'll call loki.. he gave him he gave me his fan phone number.. he asked me for an autograph and I wrote down my phone number and then he gave me his phone number.. it's complicated.. it was after I finally gave him the drink he asked for.. it was poisoned.. but he drank it.. so did I .. and instantly became an alcoholic.. he didn't but he's a god..

Loki:  a GOD?  a GOD?

Tony Stark:  oh loki wait you're here ALREADY?

Loki no wait I'm  ... not .. somewho.. I'm.. not

Tony Stark: no .. he's not.. he is drunk..

written by fanboy joss whedon

The kingpin of crime: so, black widow, we finally meet

Black Wigod chaikhaeeva: it's about time

the kingpin: time is a great delicacy.. i can afford it..

black widow chaikheeva: so am i

the kingpin: ahh, wait, what?

Black widow: sorry sorry i don't mean to apologise to a man of you status

kingpin: what? Ahh, - smiles gently – you caught me off guard... NO ONE does that..

black widow: eep

kingpin: ah, don't worry, my dear, don't worry.. you are charming..

black widow: eeep

kingpin: what? I'm sorry.. i apologise deeply

black widow eep

kingpin: why i am i so fucking scary.. why o why o why

black widow: why speelll godd with a big thick dhee

kingpin what?

Black widow: i like your wife

kingpin: maybe maybe you should stay away from her..

black widow: i'm sorry i think i'm responsible for her coma

kingpin: it's okay it's okay what?

Black widow: i'm sorry.. it was.. necessary..

kingpin: i understand.. necessities.. what?..

black widow: i killed her because – crying, like only a woman who believes in horror can cry wail – i killed her because she's a middle aged woman..

kingpin: understand i .. understand... she once was played by heather locklear on melrose place .. that was reason enough to – what?

Black widow: my work is finished..

kingpin: yes – what?

Black widow: she slams the door

kingpin: ahhh, charming...

written by another fan

 

 

 

 

Barman Batman, played by Christian Bale:  get to know the fans.. get to know the underground.. get to know the hoods and muggers of crime.. that is a batman's work..

 

Tony Stark:  you're just you're just a fascinating man

 

Batman:  have a drink

 

Tony Stark:  sure it's not poisoned

 

Batman:  take a guess

 

Tony Stark:  i'll risk it.. - drinks, then spits it out -

 

Batman:  bad habit

 

Tony Stark:  yyouuurrreeee desssssspicccable..

 

Batman:  bad habit

 

 

written by joss fanboy batman marvel comics fan whenon joss whedon.. wheeeeedon spledled pronounced correctl...

Loki and black widow are both naked in bed..

Black widow: loki .. just just i just need to touch a man

loki: it's okay it's okay i'm an adult

black widow: i'm .. not... i'm .. fourteen.. i think..

loki: i'm three thousand years old.. but still fourteen.. or less than fourteen

black widow: oh GOD.. oh no oh no..

loki: it's okay .. remember always remember i'm a god

black widow: i'm a god too

loki: yes very much so..

black widow: gimme gimme

loki: ah yess indeed..

written by a naked female loki fan... sniff..

nick fury: the hulk is trained to kill.. he .. he can't help it..

black widow: the guy can't help it.. i'm not afraid.. eep

nick fury: why do you say that always

black widow: eep to intimidate men

nick fury: it won't work on the hulk

black widow: it won't?.. oh oh .. oh GOOOOAWWWDDD... i'm dead.. i'm a dead wood woman

nick fury: i can't prevent that from happenning

black widow: what? .. but not anymore.. i mean your head of shield

nick fury: not anymore.. the hulk took over leadership.. no no.. it was a forget it was a hulk mindwipe.. a nucluer storm mindwipe.. it was.. oh god.. it was.. maria hill... she showed me something horrific.. no . Something.. nice.. something.. beyonder..

black: iron fist should be here..

Power man: so should power man..

both: what?

Nick fury: now wait the's holograms are skrull bit technology... they annoy me man

power man: get a magazine

nick fury: they're everywhere .. like bugs .. light like lightning fireflies...

power man: black giddo how's it going..

black man widow: ahhh don't call me that..

power: sorry man.. i just learned it from the hulk

black man widow: ahh, don't SAY that... he doesn't scare me but i scare easily

iron fist, played by steven seagall: peace.. forever peace.. death among the peac is the hulk.. the hulk is peace.. pure, perfect peace.. a nucleur peace

The hulk shows up..

The hulk: hey smary smarmy boys.. guess what... i'm grey region.. i'm a grey zone now.. i'm gaza grey..

black widow: wowww i'm so naked for you now

nude black widow: okay let's get started huk hulk hucky my boy.. let's have sex..

the hulk: i think i'm too young.. i'm only fourteen

nude black widow: restrictions don't apply .. that never stopped me before..

the hulk: no wait.. i'm sorry.. i'm only four years old

nude black widow: i've been known to have sex with four years olds....

nick fury: black widow, you're needed at the white house

nude black widow: pronto.. later hulk

the hulk – crying, like only a man who believes in sin can weep – i'm .. sorry.. i have ritalin issues.. add issues.. kid bipolar issues.. i can't help.. being mean.. beating people up.. i don't. .mean to try to kill them.. i'm just too bam bam strong..

nude black widow: crying, like only a sin nude woman you know – hey hulk it's okay you can beat me up any time loki made me invulnerable with his new gods force field new genesis technology the eye of mordor he called it.. i won't get hurt.. i might moan sexually a little but won't get hurt.. it's all good we're quits..

the hulk: thank you .. so much.. we'r eit's it's quits.. i'm idf.. i can't.. help it.. it's a ghostbusters myth the idf..

nick fury: i'm sorry black widow obama is calling

nude black widow: pronto i'm sorry walking naked nude across the whole white house lawn

nick fury: oboy

the hulk: yesththh.. she's a slut

nude black widow: heeheehehee.. i like you i like this i realllly dooo... i'm raja nude

written by true diahard hulk fan joss whedon